As you all know my little Peanut has become quite the little dancer. I am such a proud mama when I watch her on that stage. She lights up and dances her little heart out. I just love watching her dance, but when I watch her dance I have this ache inside of me. It took me a while to figure out what that ache was all about. Once I figured out what it was, I knew what I had to do.
What was that ache you ask? That ache was my little dancer inside weeping because she was no longer on that stage. She wanted to be up there again. She didn’t care how old I was. She didn’t care that it had been 15 YEARS since I had been on that stage. She wanted to be there and she didn’t care.
These are my actual dance shoes from 15 years ago.
But… I cared. My body was no longer a dancer’s body. My body wore the scars of a rough pregnancy 7 years ago. It has packed on and lost several pounds over the past 15 years. It has become lazy and stressed. It was no longer a dancer’s body. I was no longer that fit 17 year old that danced her heart out on stage.
That little dancer inside me just kept nagging at me. At first I pushed her down. Way down so that I couldn’t hear her cries anymore. Way down so that I didn’t think about her. Then I would walk back into that dance studio where I danced for 12 years and she would reappear, scratching and clawing her way out.
I thought to myself, what would Paige think?? If I decided to strap on those dance shoes again and take that stage, would she be upset with me? Would she feel like I was stealing the spotlight from her?
I decided to ask her how she felt. She did not hesitate at all. She said that she loved the idea. She couldn’t wait to see me dance again. I was floored. I never expected that reaction from her.
That was my sign. That was what I needed to hear so that I knew that it would be ok. I needed her to tell me that it was ok. I needed her to reassure me that it was the right thing to do. She did just that. I would’ve never realized that her approval would be that kick in the rear that I needed.
So here I am, anxious for my first dance lessons after being gone for 15 years. Tonight is the night. Tonight is my first lesson after all of these years. I have so many emotions inside of me. I am nervous, excited, anxious, and scared. I am so terrified that I will fall flat on my face. I am terrified that it will be like, hey look at that old lady trying to relive her youth.
Is this all just a big mistake? Am I kidding myself that I can do this again? I guess that I will just have to find out. I promise to keep you all posted. Fingers crossed!